Walk with me throughout this day…

I woke up this morning February 26 fully aware that my grief would strike me down tomorrow so I said I’m gonna do everything I can today to make tomorrow not as painful. But from the moment I tried to close my eyes last night, that did not even work sleep, left my mind, and left my body, and I tossed and turn for hours, finally to cry myself to sleep at 4 AM this morning…

By the time I felt like I finally fell asleep, my alarm clock went off at 6:45 AM. It was time for me to get up and get my butt to work. I tripped over my bed. I walked into my dresser, oozing my once beautiful leg to a black and blue disaster… By the time I got to my car I was exhausted and by this point it was 7:30 AM which, if you know me that is a late start of my day

Oh, and yes, how could I forget the simple thing that I wanted to do to wake my butt up this morning was jumping in the shower. Alas, I had zero hot water so I did what any clean woman would do and I jumped in that cold shower, and I quickly washed all the important critical parts, and then, after I got dressed, went out to my Rogue and at that time I was thoroughly exhausted, and I hadn’t even made it to work yet

Now, those of you that know me, well, you know that I left bedside nursing last month, my body was telling me it was time, and I needed something a lot less stressful. However, I that is not necessarily the case..

I was pulled in many different directions and the only thing I could think of to comfort me was tomorrow is my dearly departed mother’s birthday. The day finally came to an end and it was time for me to go home. I got home and I said to myself self, I’m gonna do what makes me comfortable with all the thoughts racing in my head, and that is obsessive compulsively, clean my house. You know those corners of every room that we all hate but we put them off for spring cleaning day.

I got my carpet washer out and proceeded to spray the entire back room of my house Only to realize that had broken and I spent another hour looking on YouTube on how to fix the simplest piece of plastic trigger, but that was even a mighty task so I gave up cleaning that is I would never give up on today because I know tomorrow will always be a better day But in this moment in this hour right now, I had to put my comfort tools away so that I could do my nightly routine which is change the wooden number on my mantle in my living room, and you all know what happened when I did that

Oh yes, I did, I broke down and cried, because I thought that everybody said it gets easier as the years go by but for me, it is getting harder with every year that I don’t have my mother to call me, to cheer me on to encourage me after I’ve had a bad day She left the world, a happy woman and had a wonderful life.

Today is also a day that I am reminded that my children will one day have to face the same moment in their life that I am facing in my life today and I would want my children to realize that they can make it through even the darkest of days even when it’s raining outside and thunder and lightning and tornadoes They can find peace in knowing that I too lived a wonderful life, not without struggles. Oh, yes, there’s many struggles don’t get me wrong. I had a beautiful childhood, a beautiful teenage experience high school all of that but when I decided to move on my own at 19 I thought I knew everything and I fight every day to keep a smile on my face

But I am asking for those of you that know me in the real world please give me a little grace. I was definitely not the nicest person today but I can hear my mother‘s voice in my head saying that’s OK “Deb you’ll do better tomorrow”

see sometimes in our life. We are going to be walking this road alone, and the only person there to talk to is your shadow And your God, it helps to get it out on paper. It helps to write it down with a pen because when you rise tomorrow morning, it’s a brand new day to begin again

And when you are walking your own journey, and nothing seems to go wrong or bother you, but that one person that is around you has somehow changed for that day or are not saying the usual same sweet things just remember they’re going through something as well and you don’t know what you don’t know, so why Hold a judgment? Give them a little grace.

I share out of my transparency, not for accolades, to instill the spirit of paying it forward in the way that only I know how you also have your own way of how you pay it forward, and that makes us each unique and special with our own gift. Be encouraged, keep a smile on your face, cry, clean, or take a cold shower. Whatever it is, you’re gonna make it through another day.