Stop THIS TRAIN, I Want To Get Off

Yes I’m usually the most positive and motivating person to everyone I meet, so you may choose to not read further or please do so you understand…

I love that my writings and 2 new books will be soon available (one of which prayerfully with a publishing company that states likes my story behind why i can tell people about harvesting their life lessons). So don’t get me wrong, I’m excited for whats on the horizon in my writing life! My passion and vision,dream becoming action in the making.

I’ve been told by a few people “do you think you’re the only single mother with 2 disabled children” Basically ridiculing the fact that I too struggle to find strength at times to even want to wake up. A proverbial “pity party” but this woman doesn’t stay in her pit. I’ll cry, whine, complain, cry and then smack myself and know that I’m all these 2 children have. A friend posted  once “having dirty dishes in my sink means I had food to eat and feed my children, doing laundry means everyone had clothes to wear. A dirty house still means thank God for a shelter that I do have…”   I’m thankful my youngest agreed to wear clothes from the Goodwill if mom “up-cycles ” them into leggings with my sewing machine. And as I walked the isles of Goodwill looking for that jacket she needs in our new climate tears trolled down my face, i began to remember that famous actress “bravely announcing she has post part-um depression” and I thought, ” this woman has money to hire the best nannies for her “mommy time, best therapy or massage’s that money could buy etc” Shes so brave everyone says,

    Change scenes…. a single black mother with 2 special needs children, needing surgeries, specialist appointments (2 hours away), having to goto the Salvation army to ask for a food box because her children are not capable to stay by themself while mommy works as a nurse in the only shift available overnight. they sleep in my room because they are scared to sleep in their own rooms, wake me up to walk downstairs with them in the middle of the night to pee because they are scared.  Their father chooses to work under the table so he doesn’t have to pay his child support anymore and is 18K in the arrears while his children do their best to be happy.

hpqscan0010Change scene, mother reaches out over and over for help of some sort with no natural supports available she reaches out to a failing system, no male mentors for her son to learn how a man is to be, no male role model to show my daughter and son how and what a father would do because of the love of his children. Watching their mother everyday trying to hide back tears as she tries to figure out how to get out of the hole and pay a bill and still smile and make their lunch everyday.  In the same trip to the Goodwill I “splurged” on myself and bought a cute little grey purse for 3$ and when i got home (a little saddened by just the mere struggle that i face with now another surgery for my daughter but finding out that I am needing one myself ), I said, “Lord, please let me open this purse and find some money in it”. Because you know they don’t check pockets or anything before they put stuff on the Goodwill shelf.  I frantically opened up the purse, the pockets and low and behold…………………….I found a shiny penny. And I just said, “Thank you God, you were faithful, it wasnt a million dollars or even a paper bill, but it was just what I needed to remind me to be grateful for the small things I DO have”

When I lived in Arizona, and would record the church special services on my audio on my phone, I purchased software to edit and create CD’s so that those who couldn’t come to the service would have them to play in their car. I made hundreds of copies because that’s who I am, you don’t “charge for spreading the Word of God”, I wanted to bless out of my heart if that’s all I could do that’s what I did. Giving them out to all members and some who I never knew I was led to give to. I find it so disheartening to hear that another in that church is actually charging money to make DVD copies for people who want them. When I would make a CD I got permission from my pastor to hand them out freely.

This post is not a tattle or meant to be malicious towards anyone famous or the regular human, it is to let US know and remind those who forgot that havent always had what they have today including good health. It all can be snatched away in a moment. I’m BRAVELY sharing that yes I too get discouraged and feel I really don’t want to wake up, but when you have 2 little souls waiting for mom to get up make you breakfast, lunch dinner ride to school, cheerleader at their events, nurse when they are sick, teacher, mentor, the barber (and God forbid if i get the line in his head in the wrong spot or the fade not perfect) and be mom and the dad…. sometimes I get down and tears flow. I’m human and i yell STOP THE TRAIN I WANT TO GET OFF! Then a new day begins and I try harder than the day before…

So no matter what condition you find your mental state in, be thankful you weren’t where you were yesterday and grab that tissue, CIO (cry it out) then climb out of the pit you were in at your pity party and just have a party!

Celebrate your humanity that you made it through another day!

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